El Pickerel: Send Back the Carp

As one of the more faithful readers of the Dickerson Pondit blog, I made a request to write a guest piece since I could tell by the tired similes in the Pondit's last few postings that he needed a break. My name is El Pickerel, but my fellow fish (or is it fishes) prefer my nom de plume, Picky. I have been a resident in Dickerson Pond for the past four years – that is twenty eight years in people years or four dog years. Dickerson Pond was a nice place to grow up. Nice until they showed up. Those snooty foreigners with their vegetarian ways think they are better than us true American fishes (or is it fish). They look different than we, they eat different than we, they insist on being among their own. I say, send them back to Malaysia or Uzbekistan or wherever they are from. If living in Dickerson Pond just like we pickerel and perch live is not good enough for them, send them back to south east Asia or wherever. If you are in an American pond, you swim American, you eat American (no nibbling on algae, you chase little fish (or is it fishes), and if we fishes (or is it fish) could talk, you talk English. The Pondit is right, get rid of the carp. [Almost all of us pickerel are not in favor of the alligator solution.]

Life used to be so simple. The water was clear, the little fish (or is it fishes) were plentiful. A meal was always there for the chomping. Occasionally, while sitting in the sea weed – technically it is pond weed, but no one calls it pond weed – and digesting a young perch, I would glance up and see this object float overhead blocking out my view of the sky. One of the pickerel elders, Dick Pickerel, tells us that it is the Goodyear blimp and its appearance most likely indicates the start of the US Tennis Open in Queens. Since none of us argue with Dicky, especially Picky, I am cool with the Goodyear blimp theory. A few seconds after the blimp goes by overhead propelled by these long wooden poles moving in unison, I see this strange little fish swim by with these gorgeous earrings dangling from its belly. Most of you should know that we pickerel have no ears, and it is perfectly acceptable to wear your earrings on your belly. To me it looks like hors d'ouerves time in the pond. So I swim up and take a nibble. Ouch, next thing you know I am tangled up in the little guy's belly ring and this minnow must be spending overtime at the New York Health Club. I start to fight, but this little guy starts pulling me, El Pickerel forward. I say why bother, wherever this little guy goes I will just follow. In about a minute I look up and there is the blimp. Visions of alien abductions fly through my brain. I have heard stories of other fishes (or is it fish) being taken aboard these blimps and never being seen again. I start to fight to get away from both this minnow and the blimp. The little guy is very strong or maybe there is some sort of voodoo ray coming from the blimp and drawing me closer and closer. All of a sudden I am out of the pond. All my life I fantasized what it would be like to be out of the pond, and I now realize that was not fantasy, it was a nightmare.

I finally realize the source of the minnow's power, he was attached to a string and some humanoid was controlling it. I am now flopping around on the deck of the blimp. A big yellow rubber glove reaches down to grab me and some strange surgical pinchers reach for the minnow in my mouth. I go blank for a few seconds or was it hours or even days. Suddenly I am thrown from the blimp back into the pond. I sense something in the back of my head but cannot see it. We do not have any mirrors in the pond. My deepest fear is that they now control who I am and what I do. I am technically free, but cannot help but sense they will be back and the next time there might be no escape. Paranoia strikes deep.

I tell you this story to let you know that I can appreciate that the good old days were not always peaches and cream – to us fish (or is it fishes) minnows and frogs – and if I start carping about those foreigners, you will know it must really be a bad situation. I have very few friends, my type of fishes (or is it fish) left in the pond. Most have moved on to red states to be among their fellow American fish (or is it fishes). Picky is staying on. I now look out for the gaudy beaded minnows and search for the shadow of the Goodyear blimp. It is hard for me. The once clear pond water is now murky. I have started wearing Michael Phelps swimming goggles to help with my vision. My plan is to get abducted and stay abducted. I am hoping wherever the humanoids take me, there will be no grass carp or other non desirables. For some strange reason, I am more comfortable with the thought of living with extraterrestrials than with other fishes (or is it fish) from foreign lands.

If I make it to the other side, I will write. Until then, just keep following the Pondit. If he can resolve the grass carp infestation, maybe I can convince the humanoids to beam me back. Get ready Scotty!

Sending Out an S.O.S

Carpe diem! At Dickerson Pond the appropriate phrase is "Seize the Carp!" Dickerson Pond is about a forty acre lake formed by damming up a meadow in the 1920's. When I came to the area in 1999, this private pond was hardly ever fished. The members of the community that own the pond are seldom on the water although we have canoes, paddle boats and row boats available. I like to fish or at least spend time on the lake trolling with an Ugly Stick and low test line dragging an artificial lure behind the boat or canoe. In 1999 and 2000, I could see down to the bottom of the pond in most areas. Dickerson Pond is for the most part four to eight feet deep. There was lots of aquatic growth and many, many pickerel and perch in the lake. On most days, I would hook and land a pickerel or perch every five to ten minutes. My usual equipment that I kept on the seat next to me while trolling was needle nose pliers and a right handed rubber dishwashing glove. I would row with the left glove on my hand since I used it often while removing the fish from my line.

The lake is also home to herons, kingfishers, otters, muskrats, Canadian geese, eagles, turtles, frogs, salamanders and even a family of beavers. Occasionally, a swan or two make an appearance, but years of losing cygnets to snapping turtles has driven them to safer waters. In 2001 we had what I describe as an aggressive algae bloom on the lake. This made fishing with a lure almost impossible, since every cast and retrieval would fine the lure tangled with green slime. A solution to this problem was researched and quickly implemented. We introduced around five hundred nine inch genetically neutered grass carp into the pond to rid the pond of the excess algae. At the time, we understood that the carp would eat ad nauseam and pass away (kick the bucket) in five years. These carp do not eat anything but vegetation. There was a question posed by a resident on what would happen if the carp ran out of pond vegetation to eat. Someone did suggest that they would jump on shore and start eating the grass and perhaps smaller pets. That was probably not a verifiable answer. Recently the carp have become much bigger and food supply appears low. I keep a careful eye on the shore line when strolling around the lake.

These 500 faux carp are now fairly large. I can see them from the lake shore although this is getting more difficult since our formerly clear water is now getting to be more of a sickly green. Most of the carp are 36-40 inches in length and getting fatter every day. Here is what the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has to say about these Triploid Grass Carp:

WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TRIPLOID GRASS CARP?

Cost: Triploid grass carp cost between $5 and $15 each and are usually stocked at three to ten fish per acre, resulting in costs as low as $15 per acre. In comparison, herbicides cost between $100 and $500 per acre and mechanical control may cost more than twice that.

Time: Grass carp usually take six months to a year to be effective in reducing problem vegetation, although they provide much longer term control than other methods, often up to five years before restocking is necessary. When used in conjunction with an initial herbicide treatment, control of problem vegetation can be achieved quickly, and fewer carp are required to maintain the desired level of vegetation.

Overstocking: Once stocked in a lake or pond, carp are very difficult to remove. If overstocking occurs, it may be ten years or more before the vegetation community recovers. Even after carp are removed, other herbivores such as turtles may prevent the regrowth of vegetation.

Water Clarity: Aquatic plants remove nutrients in the water. When plants are removed, nutrients may then be utilized by phytoplankton, turning the water green. Clarity may be improved by reducing or eliminating sources of nutrients into the lake such as road runoff and lawn fertilizer.

Inflows/Outflows: It is in the best interest of people stocking carp to keep them in the desired lake or pond. It is also a required condition of the permit. Any inflows or outflows through which carp could escape into other waters require barriers to prevent fish from escaping into waters not permitted.

Now the residents at Dickerson Pond are responsible Americans. We reviewed the state of Florida recommendations for barriers and were not impressed. A decision was made to turn to the Department of Homeland Security and design our barriers after the anti illegal immigration fences being deployed in Texas, Arizona and California. I did argue that the Homeland Security fences were designed to keep undesirables (Mexicans looking for employment) out of an area and we were looking to retain the undesirables (carp looking for algae) and quite possibly needed to research the design criteria for retention fences rather than exclusionary fences. But the height and foreboding look of the Arizona fences were just too captivating to resist. Fortunately, someone in the community did some additional research and informed us that the Olympic record for high jumping by a triploid grass carp was merely three meters (39.37 inches) and that was a carp found to be using anabolic steroids to enhance performance. We will once again review the recommendations of the FFWCC.

We need to rid our pond of the alien invaders. They live ten to fifteen years and not the five years we were led to believe. We want our pond back and we want it back now. I do have some recommendations from Clemson University and I am going to share them with the rest of the community. Here is what the learned people at Clemson tell us:

The following is a list of potential grass carp predators that can seriously reduce or eliminate all grass carp:

1. Man
   
   
2. Largemouth bass, bowfin, etc.
   
   
3. Osprey, herons, etc.
   
   
4. Otters
   
   
5. Alligators
   
   

Well, this looks interesting. We do have ospreys and otters, but I believe these are predators for young grass carp. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will not be seeing an osprey flying overhead with a fifty pound grass carp dangling from it talons. Herons, forgetaboutit. We have no largemouth bass and I doubt even the professional bassers (that is the proper term for a redneck bass fisherman) have caught a bass with a mouth capable of a fifty pound chunk of carp. If I can get a group of otters organized – a street gang of otters (perhaps they can call themselves the "Sharks") – they might have a chance to cull off a carp or two for food. But how much carp can an otter eat. I'm calculating five hundred fifty pound carp as 12,500 meals if the otter can eat two pounds at a seating. We cannot wait that long.

Man – we introduced the carp, we can remove the carp. Now I have been able to get within four or five feet of the carp in a silent canoe foray. These carp are gregarious if you find one, you will find fifty. I believe they gather as such to constantly engage in "carpial" sexual activities. Little do they know they have zero chance for successful reproduction? Maybe carp sex is just plain enjoyable? At five feet what am I supposed to do Mr. Clemson? Hit the carp with my paddle? Is it legal to shoot carp? Is there man vs. carp battle engagement recommendations? Your readers need more direction! Help!

The answer must be number five. I must contact the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation and find out the number of recommended alligators to introduce to Dickerson Pond to rid us of these carp. I am guessing no more than twenty twelve to fifteen foot hungry gators could clear out those carp in a month maybe two. I cannot imagine there would be any red tape in getting an alligator stocking permit in New York, the city of New York breeds these critters in their sewers. Surely they would let us borrow twenty for a couple of months in Westchester County.

I do recommend anyone planning on visiting us at Dickerson Pond this August and September to leave their pets and small children at home. A steady diet of grass carp might not be that attractive to the alligators. I will address ridding the pond of twenty very fat alligators in a later posting.