Getting 100 Million Clowns to the Station

How do they do it? How do all those clowns fit into that one miniscule vehicle? I have yet to read through every page of Al Gore's $5 Trillion Energy Plan, but a quick search of the document did not reveal any mention of clown cars. This seems to be a significant oversight and given proper consideration could trim $2 to $3 trillion off the estimated cost of the plan. At first I thought that at least T. Boone Pickens was on the right track until I realized I made a typo in my Google search and entered "blown" instead of "clown." Is it possible neither of these prominent Americans ever went to a circus? I am estimating that a reasonable number of circus clowns able to fit inside a modified VW Beetle are eight. Hold onto that estimate, it will be useful in a few paragraphs.

I am no longer commuting to work each day, but have years of experience qualifying me as a subject matter expert on commutation. My former commutation station is rather new and has a parking lot designed for about 700 cars. Most of the spots are paid for monthly, but there are about 200 that can be rented on a daily basis. I have used both methods and neither is without serious trials and tribulations. A monthly pass allows you to park in any of 500 spaces as long as you display your pass that conveniently hangs from the rear view mirror of your car. In my case it is usually hanging from the mirror of the car I chose not to drive that day. That all too frequent occurrence enables me the luxury of finding a metered spot and paying an extra three dollars to park, assuming I have three dollars in change or bills in my possession. If you arrive at the lot at any civilized hour, you have 300 yard walk to the station. Fortunately it never rains until you are at least 100 yards from the umbrella you left in your car. Once you get near the station, you get to use one of the three machines machines (Delphic oracles) that sadistically ask you an impossible riddle, “What is the number of your parking spot?” You can now: (1) guess the number, (2) realize you do not have the slightest clue and skip paying (That assures it is a day they will be checking the lot for scofflaws.), (3) walk back 300 yards, find your car and mindlessly repeat the number over and over again on the 300 yard walk back to the station.

Next, it is time to go to the coffee hut for traveling provisions. At least the Delphic oracles mentioned above allow you a sense of individual identification and assume you have a different number each day (Not so when I was paying daily parking on a regular basis. I beat the demonic oracles by parking in a remote area – 400 yard walk – and using the same numbered spot (#699) each day. My mother did not raise any fool!). At the hut, I am but a small coffee, a splash of half and half, with a buttered hard roll. I accept this lot in life and would not dare ask for a piece of crumb cake in fear that the entire operation would grind to a screeching halt with that request. Five years of receiving the same order without a word exchanged between vendor and customer. Five years longing for one lousy piece of crumb cake.

The actual station platform faces directly across to a cement, gravel and asphalt plant. From spring to fall trucks from the Town of Cortlandt, Villages of Ossining, Tarrytown, Croton-on-Hudson and the City of Peekskill line up to get the goo that smooth the potholes of our lives. That was until gas prices were $4 per gallon! (Asphalt is a thick form of refined oil. It is heated with gravel and is moldable while hot. It becomes "road" hard at normal temperatures. This transformation creates a surface for smoothing out all the bumps in our lives. Apparently, there is a point where our town governments believe that potholes are socially acceptable and smooth sailing is not a right but a luxury. Crude oil above $120 a barrel is that point. The asphalt plant has been idle for months.

Remember the clown car – eight clowns in one VW Beetle? Too many of the cars in the station parking lot are closer in size to a Yukon Denali than my Subaru Impreza station wagon (What more appropriate transportation to get to the station than a station wagon?). A typical commuter drives three to ten miles to the station, carries one brief case or oversized handbag and comes alone in their vehicle. Here is the tale of the tape:

Category	Yukon Denali	Impreza Station Wagon	Clown VW
Weight	5,635 lbs	3,064 lbs	1,900 lbs
Price	$51,000	$23,000	$1,595
Mileage	15 mpg	22 mpg	35 mpg
Height	77 inches	58 inches	.75 clown
Length	202 inches	173 inches	1.5 clown
Width	79 inches	68 inches	1 clown
Volume	711 cubic feet	395 cubic feet	1.125 cubic clowns
Weight per passenger	5,635 lbs	3,064 lbs	238 lbs
Volume per passenger	711 cubic feet	395 cubic feet	0.14 cubic clown
Fuel cost per round trip per passenger1	$3.73	$2.54	$0.202
Fuel cost per round trip for 100 million commuters	$82,060,000,000	$55,880,000,000	$4,400,000,000

1. Seven miles each way with gas at $4 per gallon
   
2. 100 million commuting clowns carpooling
   

So if we can do some slight social engineering and get all commuters to switch to a 1963 VW Beetle and commute by walking to a central commuting point with eight commuters in a car, we stand to save over $77 billion dollars per year in gasoline costs. As reasonable as this sounds, do consider the impact of showing up at the office or factory dressed like Bozo the clown.